The Third Flight of Beelzebub to the Planet Earth

“All its rivers are of milk, their banks of honey; nobody needs to toil or work there; everything necessary for a happy, carefree, and blissful existence is there, because everything requisite is supplied there in superabundance from our own and the other continents and islands of the world.

“This island Paradise is full of young and lovely women, of all the peoples and races of the world; and each of them belongs for the asking to the ‘soul’ that desires her.

“In certain public squares of that superb island, mountains of various articles of adornment are always kept, from the most brilliant diamonds to the deepest turquoise; and every ‘soul’ can take anything he likes, also without the least hindrance.

“In other public squares of that beatific island are piled huge mountains of sweetmeats specially prepared with essence of ‘poppy’ and ‘hemp’; and every ‘soul’ may take as much as he pleases at any time of the day or night.

“There are no diseases there; and of course, none of those ‘lice’ or ‘flies’ that give us all no peace here, and blight our whole existence.

“The other, smaller island, to which our Mister God sends for their further existence the ‘souls’ whose temporary physical parts have been idle here and have not existed according to His commandments, is called ‘Hell.’

“All the rivers of this island are of burning pitch; the whole air stinks like a skunk at bay. Swarms of horrible beings blow police-whistles in every square; and all the ‘furniture,’ ‘carpets,’ ‘beds,’ and so on there, are made of fine needles with their points sticking out.

“One very salted cake is given once a day to every ‘soul’ on this island; and there is not a single drop of drinking water there. Many other things are also there of a kind that the beings of Earth not only would not like to encounter, but not even experience in thought.

“When I first came to the country of Maralpleicie, all the three-brained beings of that country were followers of a ‘religion’ based on the just-mentioned ingenious ‘religious-doctrine,’ and this ‘religion’ was then in full bloom.