My First Tutor

As at first it was not definitely decided which way I was to go, I began at the same time to prepare myself to be a priest and a physician. the more so since there were certain subjects necessary in both cases.

Afterwards things continued by themselves and I, being capable, was able to progress in both directions. I even found time to read a great many books on various subjects, either given to me by Father Borsh or which fell into my hands.

The father dean worked intensively with me in the subjects he had undertaken to teach me. Often after the lessons he let me stay with him, gave me tea, and sometimes asked me to sing some canticle he had just composed, to verify the transcription for the voices.

During these frequent and extended visits he would have long conversations with me, either on the subjects of the lessons I had just finished or on quite abstract questions; and little by little such relationship was formed between us that he began to talk to me as to an equal.

I soon got used to him and the feeling of shyness I at first had towards him disappeared. Retaining all my respect for him, nevertheless sometimes forgot myself and began to argue with him—which did not in the least offend him but, as I now understand, even pleased him.

In his conversations with me he often spoke about the question of sex.

Concerning sexual desire, told me the following:
‘If a youth but once gratify this lust before reaching adulthood, then the same would happen to him as happened to the historical Esau, who for a single mess of pottage sold his birthright, that is, the welfare of his whole life; because if a youth yields to this temptation even once, he will lose for the rest of his Life the possibility of being man of real worth.

‘The gratification of lust before adulthood is like pouring alcohol into Mollavallian madjar.