I shall do this without fail, moreover, because I just now again remember the story of what happened to a Transcaucasian Kurd, which story I heard in my quite early youth and which in subsequent years, whenever I recalled it in corresponding cases, engendered in me an enduring and inextinguishable impulse of tenderness. I think it will be very useful for me, and also for you, if I relate this story to you somewhat in detail.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

18.2

This time also it is already beyond doubt—as it has happened to me many a time before my arrival in Europe—that on account of this altruistic intention which spontaneously arose in me, all the rest of the parts of my entire whole will once again “totally-unexpectedly” be made the “scapegoats.”

It has always been so; no sooner does an idea arise in my madcap brain, but it inexorably compels the whole of me to carry it out at any cost, as for instance in the present case, to assign without fail the said sum of money, when, in fact, I have none, nor are there in sight any likely “fat-sheep-for-shearing.”

The data engendering just this feature of my character, on account of which on all occasions, all kinds of factors for the formation of diverse for me personally “indigestible-consequences” always arise, were crystallized in my common presence from an impression perceived by me in my early youth, thanks to a story I heard about what happened to a certain “Transcaucasian Kurd.”

Of course I must not fail to confess here, that it was only recently that I made clear to my pure Reason when precisely these data for my psyche were formed in me and all the details of their crystallization—that is to say, it was only after I had forced myself to spend a certain time punctiliously following all the indications of the Yogis and after I had later thoroughly studied from all sides that perfectly bewitching branch of “contemporary science” now existing everywhere under the name of “Psycho-analysis.”

These specific data together with other similar data which constitute and manifest my present individuality, and which had in their formation decidedly nothing issuing from my essence and which were crystallized in my common presence owing only to various fortuitous surrounding conditions of my life, not only became thereafter, for the whole of me for the rest of my life, almost the dominant what is called “initiating-factor” in the begetting of always the same “indigestible consequences,” but also, during their, as the learned psychiatrists would say, “gravity-center-functioning,” which proceeds in general under the influence of a corresponding association, they evoke in me almost every time the experiencings called in ancient Indian philosophy “commiseration-with-impartial-affection.”

Thanks to this feature of my character, on account of which especially in recent years, I find myself already quite incapable of refraining from actualizing in practice every idea, however personally disadvantageous to me, so in this case also, the whole of my common presence will be inexorably compelled to follow this solicitous procedure, merely in order to caution you, just you a person wholly alien to me, against falling a victim to cunning through the effect upon you of the usual “honeyed-words” of the bookseller; I repeat that I do this in spite of the fact that this measure, as you see for yourselves will mean a considerable loss for me personally.

To fret about it now and to think up some measure less detrimental for me, it is already too late.

So it pleases Fate.

But meanwhile, I think it will not be useless and may perhaps be productive for me as well as instructive for you, if I relate to you somewhat in detail the story of what happened to the mentioned Transcaucasian Kurd.

18.2