Professional writers usually begin such introductions with an address to the reader, full of all kinds of bombastically magniloquent and so to say “honeyed” and “inflated” phrases.
Just in this alone I shall follow their example and also begin with such an address, but I shall try not to make it very “sugary” as they usually do, owing particularly to their evil wiseacring by which they titillate the sensibilities of the more or less normal reader.
Thus . . .
My dear, highly honored, strong-willed and of course very patient Sirs, and my much-esteemed, charming, and impartial Ladies—forgive me, I have omitted the most important—and my in no wise hysterical Ladies!
I have the honor to inform you that although owing to circumstances that have arisen at one of the last stages of the process of my life, I am now about to write books, yet during the whole of my life I have never written not only not books or various what are called “instructive-articles,” but also not even a letter in which it has been unfailingly necessary to observe what is called “grammaticality,” and in consequence, although I am now about to become a professional writer, yet having had no practice at all either in respect of all the established professional rules and procedures or in respect of what is called the “bon ton literary language,” I am constrained to write not at all as ordinary “patented-writers” do, to the form of whose writing you have in all probability become as much accustomed as to your own smell.
In my opinion the trouble with you, in the present instance, is perhaps chiefly due to the fact that while still in childhood, there was implanted in you and has now become ideally well harmonized with your general psyche, an excellently working automatism for perceiving all kinds new impressions, thanks to which “blessing” you have now, during your responsible life, no need of making any individual effort whatsoever.
Professional writers usually begin such introductions with an address to the reader full of all kinds of “sugary,” magniloquently bombastic what are called “blown-up-phrases.”
Just in this alone, I shall follow their example and also begin with an address, but, of course, not with a very, as is said, “mellifluous” one, as they usually do.
Thus . . .
My dear, highly honored and very patient Sirs, and my highly respected, charming, and of course impartial ladies! Forgive me; I have omitted the most important—and my “in-no-wise-hysterical” Ladies!
I have the honor to inform you that although, with the help of my patron saints and by the permission of the local authorities, and also of course of my “merciless-domestic-tyrant”—a personality, that is, inevitably present in every contemporary household, who has automatically acquired power owing only to the abnormally established conditions of contemporary ordinary life—I am now about to write books, nevertheless, I have not only never during the whole of my life written either books or various what are called “informative-articles,” but also never even a letter in which the rules of what is called “bon-ton-grammaticality,” prevalent in contemporary civilization, should be observed; and having, in consequence of this, no practice at all in so to say “automatic-twaddle,” therefore although I have now to become a writer, I am now in respect of all the accepted rules and procedures of professional writers and also in respect of what is called the “literary-language-of-the-intelligentsia” a complete as is said “booby,” or as certain contemporary so-styled “well-read” people would call me, “an-ignoramus-on-the-zigzag-plane-squared”—in consequence of all which, I am not going to write at all like the “Patented-professional-writers,” to whose form of writing you are undoubtedly already well accustomed; and I must add that of course in you also, an ideally well working automatism has already been acquired and permanently fixed for perceiving as well as for as is said “digesting,” thanks to which “blessing” no individual effort whatsoever is ever required of you.